Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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