the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
