My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
