I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Duck Duck Cougar?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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