I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize