Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
