just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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