We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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