I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
