Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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