Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
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Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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