When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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