just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the condom got lost in my hair
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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