I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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