he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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