I think im going to throw up on grandma
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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