oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
