I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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