I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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