Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we're chasing vodka with high fives
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
