Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
