apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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