Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
