When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
