A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
from now on my penis is your penis
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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