haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
