He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
