My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
