My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
