I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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