I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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