I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you would pick up someone in the library
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
