still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
