Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
