shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
