I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
