so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
