If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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