my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
