you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
