In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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