we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize