fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
