It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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