I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
