Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
