I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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