Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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