Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
