so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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