I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
