Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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