My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Can I color on your dick again?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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