remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
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she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
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We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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