Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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